flow: a gift of feeling

three drops? that's it? you have got to be kidding me. i just came off a week-long colon cleanse, i haven't eaten sugar, wheat or dairy in nearly a month, and i'm fermenting enough kombucha in my kitchen to eradicate cancer in a two-mile radius. how on earth could this be happening? discouraged, frustrated, and now a little more than concerned, i didn't bother flushing. not that anyone would have noticed.

what started as slight water retention and a feeling that i couldn't quite relieve myself fully, had now become serious and i couldn't pee at all. my urine test had come back 'completely normal' with no sign of infection, so technically (in Western medicine mumbo jumbo) there was nothing wrong with me. right. tell that to my throbbing kidneys and swollen bladder kicking and screaming for someone to open the fucking floodgates.

once i told her my pee test was inconclusive, the pharmacist denied me any medication and told me i had a 'serious medical condition' and needed to go see the doctor. i pleaded with her to let me try the anti-bacterial elixir that might do the trick if i had a bladder infection, and she finally relented. she told me to take one packet and that if i didn't start feeling relief in an hour, i should go straight to the clinic. come on pee-pee potion, let's make magic; mama don't wanna spend the night on dialysis in the creepy clinic.

earlier in the day i had sought refuge in my chakra workbook, hoping a more holistic understanding of what's going on in my bod might shed some light on the subject (or at least provide some quality bathroom reading while i sat chest-over-thighs praying for a miracle). Kathy Pike, author of Pathways to a Radiant Self: A Journey of Growth and Discovery with the Chakras, identifies the second chakra, svadhisthana, as the energy center corresponding with the lower abdomen, the fluids of the body, the bladder, kidneys, sexual and reproductive organs, and the lymphatic system. if the second chakra is blocked or out of balance, these are the areas of the body where we will experience pain or other physical symptoms. Earmarking the pages with my toes, I was all ears.

"Orange is the symbolic color of the second chakra and the element is water.... [it] provides you the space to explore your ability to feel and understand your emotions, your ability to flow in life.... A balanced second chakra in the human body will reflect a person who is in touch with his/her feelings and a person who has the ability to flow in all aspects of his/her life."

"The tears, the fluids of your body, release and flow as the emotions are expressed and the energy is shifted. Being in touch with and expressing your emotions is a key aspect of the natural flow of your being.... Unrecognized emotions and feelings can cause tidal waves and hurricanes in your inner being as they swell and you resist them. This pattern creates a situation in which you may isolate yourself repeatedly from your feelings or people who ignite these feelings, until the force behind the motions becomes unmanageable, like an inner tsunami. Leaving the tsunami untamed allows its power to grow and grow. The resulting dynamic is an inner struggle and frustration that requires an enormous amount of energy to control, and keep at bay, on a continual basis. This energy turns back into the body and the soul creating a deadening of the spirit that may result in sickness or disease.... These emotions are waiting to be released. The resistance to releasing the emotions can often feel bigger than the emotion itself. If you resist, you stop the flow of your life energy."

so if i was reading this right, i had been resisting feeling and releasing my emotions to the extent that my second chakra was so blocked that i literally could not flow.

as a surfer and a writer, flow is obviously something i care about, and i had to admit that both had been feeling a bit off in the past few weeks. i hadn't had much desire to surf, and when i did, i'd felt overwhelmed by panic and anxiety, freaking myself out and falling all over the place. my writing was equally sloppy and it took hours to create mediocre paragraphs that should have taken minutes. aware of this, and now drawing a cognitive connection to the flow-feelings relationship, its ability to manifest in the very ailments i was experiencing, and the need to 'feel my feelings' as the way to unblock my second chakra, somehow i became hopeful that if only i could get a grasp on some deep feelings i had been resisting, i would be able to flow, in all senses of the word. i didn't know what that meant, but i was determined to find out.

i started by identifying present feelings - frustration, fear and anger related to my health concerns and a new sense of conviction that i was going to beat this thing no matter what. in my chakra book, it says that the ocean and movement of the body can help get things flowing again, so lucky for me i'm living beachfront and the swell was peaking today. i paddled out with a vengeance, now on a surf-warrior mission to get my flow back. besides, i'd be damned if my last surf session on earth before dying of kidney failure was anything short of spectacular. i paddled into my first wave with a full-on sense of purpose, standing up fast and pumping down the line, surprised at my renewed fearlessness and lack of hesitation in overhead surf. second wave, same deal. cool and confident, celebrating feeling like me again, splashing off the top and putting some extra oomph in my bottom turn. i'm back.

i came in stoked, a feeling i hadn't felt in a while, to be honest, despite surfing frequently in decent conditions. maybe that means things are starting to shift, that i'm getting back into the flow. i hurried into the bathroom to try my luck. i sat there for a minute, straining uncomfortably... fruitlessly.

fuck. i guess it's not quite so simple. feel my feelings - but how? and what feelings? one thing i refused to acknowledge was unfortunately glaring me in the face, and i finally let it enter my mind once i had reached this low point of exhausting all other possibilities: i had been dreaming about him again despite my best intentions not to, waking up grumpy almost a month now after telling him i thought it best we stop communicating, again. oh god, anything but feel those feelings for the thousandth time. i had put those feelings in a box and thrown away the key, remember? long gone and buried forever. and i was so over it that i wasn't about to let svadhisthana make me dig those skeletons up again.             

defeated and deflated (unfortunately only figuratively), i drank the pharmacy elixir of life and started watching Silver Linings Playbook to take my mind off not peeing and not feeling. I sipped my parsley tea, dosed myself with homemade herbal tincture, and wrapped a bright orange scarf around my second chakra to try and get things moving. maybe if i mix their medicine with my own, something is bound to do the trick. i was enthralled in the flick and hadn't thought much about my bladder until the halfway point when i realized i still hadn't peed and i was past the fateful 1-hour mark after taking the medication. i took a deep breath and stuck it out, promising myself i'd drive to the clinic as soon as the movie ended. i couldn't just leave and never find out if he gets back with his cheater wife or falls for the crazy awesome dancer chick. with no untimely potty breaks (my own 'silver lining', perhaps), i watched it through to the end, content to learn he picks the gloomy crazy one and they live happily ever after in all of their dysfunctional real-ness.

then i cried for an hour.

then i wrote this in a stream of consciousness:

still trying to fill the gap you left. with whatever i possibly can. getting skinny, getting fat. spending savings on undetectable illnesses my body has created to remind me how resentful i am, how damaged this whole relationship has left me. for the person i loved with everything to tell me he won't even try to make it work after everything i've given and forgiven. every ounce of soul - for what? all my dreams are coming true. where are you? and is it really you i miss, or is it me? faking it with a broken smile, a romantic fling, a hard heart to hide the holes. is it that i really think it'll work this time or that i just can't get over not even trying? are you the jouissance of my heart's insatiable desire, a fantasy i created and perpetuated in my addictive imagination? are you content to be? or are you everything i've dreamed, live in the flesh, just taking your time to sort it all out? are you content not to be? unwavering in your indecision, i imagine we'll never know. and i'll just be here living, waiting for the day i stop caring which way your heart will go.

then i got up, walked to the bathroom, and flowed for a full 9-mississippi.  
...and counting.

so happy 30th to a man (or figment of my fantasy) who breaks my heart by doing absolutely nothing.     

The Stoke: Motivation, Addiction, and the Affective Experience of Surfers

In keeping with the week’s impromptu theme of addiction, this guest post was written by psychology and anthropology student Kelsi Nummerdor following her ethnographic and theoretical research as a participant in The Anthropology of Surfing, a three-week study abroad field course offered by the University of Georgia and taught in Costa Rica by anthropologist Dr. Pete Brosius. Kelsi explores the addictive quality of surfing, shedding light on a puzzling question - which came first: the surfer or the addict? Are we addicts because we are surfers, or are we surfers because we are addicts?

The Stoke: Motivation, Addiction,

 and the Affective Experience of Surfers

“Catch a wave and you’re sitting on top of the world”. These are the iconic words of the 1963 Beach Boys hit, Catch a Wave. This sentiment expresses, in a way, the focus of my ethnographic study of surfers along the Guanacaste coast. The affective experience of surfing, though limited significantly in narratability, is intensely sought after and highly regarded among surfers. The emotional states that occur while surfing are described and expressed in a variety of ways, but there is general agreement that the feeling of the “stoke”, as well as other psycho-emotional and physiological states produced by the physical act of surfing, are highly pleasurable and oftentimes semi-addictive. This cycle of intense affective experience, motivation to re-experience, and subsequent “addiction” is apparent among the lifestyle/soul-surfers I encountered in Guanacaste. Additionally, numerous portrayals of surfers in the media support the claim that surfing is semi-addictive, and that this addiction could possibly be explained by physiological and psychological states inherently catalyzed by the surf experience. Additionally, a multitude of social, environmental, and individual factors can actuate or reinforce motivation to surf. It is exigent to add that this process of “addiction” occurs among the presence of significant risks to physical and social well being (i.e., situations wherein decisions are made that elevate surfing above job or relationship security). Surfing is inherently risky and surfers choose to surf despite, perhaps even because of, these risks.

It must initially be addressed that describing the affective experience of surfing is oftentimes arduous, resulting in fragmentary and largely incomplete data. This is due in large part to the inherent limits of narratability that surround surfing; the surfing experience was termed “indescribable” by many interviewees. The embodied nature of surfing in conjunction with low levels of explicit knowledge and relatively high levels of tacit knowledge help explain these limits: one cannot state exactly how it feels to experience surfing because many aspects of the activity are largely unconscious and acquired through repetitious bodily training. The partially tacit nature of surf knowledge should not suggest simplicity, however. Although decision-making while in the core flow state of surfing seems to be largely unconscious, a highly complex decision making process is still able to occur (Butts, ND). I believe that the process of embodied action in conjunction with the highly unique flow state experience contribute to the addictiveness of surfing. I am willing to postulate that embodiment in the “flow” is highly psychologically pleasurable, and therefore semi-addictive in its own right. I will address this, categorized as a state of intense focus, in subsequent paragraphs.

The aforementioned limits of narratability occur quite quickly when discussing surfing, and make significant understanding of the activity by non-participants nearly impossible. Butts addresses the importance of participant-observation in his article Good to the Last Drop: Understanding Surfers’ Motivation. Personal anecdotal experience supports Butts statement. I was able to explore the act of surfing over the course of three weeks, and believe it has allowed me to push these limits of narratability significantly farther than observation as a non-participant.

Addiction can be described in a variety of ways, and my use of the term here is loose and context-specific. I have chosen to organize my findings around the following working definition of addiction: “the condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or involved in something”. This definition is broad enough to allow behavior, even cognition, to constitute addiction. The lack of explicit reference to substance allows significantly greater freedom in conceptualizing behaviors, even lifestyle choices, as addictions. Additionally, the term occupied allows one to conceive of many instances of occupation. Cognition, discussion, media consumption, and actual performance of an activity may all be categorized as occupation. Psychological and medical literature on addiction is very broad, and I will not describe in detail specific mechanisms of addiction. I will, however, posit that I believe surfing creates a pleasurable physiological response that promotes addiction. Action-specific neurotransmitters (i.e., adrenaline and dopamine) are likely released while surfing. These neurotransmitters catalyze feelings of excitement and pleasure that motivate surfers to repeatedly pursue peak experiences. Conversely, Butts postulates that the nearly constant emotional flux between tension and calm (e.g., the roughness of the inside relative to the serenity of the line-up) functions as a mechanism of physiological optimization of performance in the water. This state of oscillating emotional arousal, Butts suggests, could help us understand the addictive nature of surfing. In chapter four of Surfing and Social Theory, Ford posits a slightly different mechanism: mimetic theory. This theory describes mimetic activities as those that simulate emotions present in riskier, more violent times of human presence. These activities are therefore primordially satisfying. Surfing could prove to be a mimetic activity and therefore a catalyst of intense fight-or-flight-esque emotions. The intensity and rarity of these experiences could also help explain their addictive properties.

Ethnographically, addiction presents in a multitude of ways. The jargon of addiction is often employed by surfers to describe how they experience the desire to surf, or to describe the initial process of becoming “hooked” on the sport. I encountered the phrase “I got the itch [to surf]” multiple times from various sources. One individual, the owner of a tattoo shop, revealed that if the waves are good, he will close the shop in the middle of the day to go surf. This is an example of socially and economically risky behavior that is employed to allow the surfer to get his “fix”. Another individual expressed explicitly that he is “addicted to adrenaline, fear, and pain…surfing is a love, a passion, an addiction, an obsession, a way of life. It shapes your decisions”. Another surfer expressed a feeling of exhaustion after surfing that made him want to do nothing for the rest of the day. This exhaustion is an interesting parallel to the feeling of satiation an addict receives after receiving one’s “fix”. Similarly, one surfer remarked that he did not surf competitively because surfing “gave him enough”. The centrality of surfing in lifestyle fulfills the habitual requirement of my working definition of addiction.

There are many additional aspects of surfing that could contribute to its semi-addictive nature. Most obvious is the physiological and emotional rush one receives when riding a wave. This is what surfers call the “stoke”. The transitory nature of this feeling promotes the search for the next good wave, the next “high”. I experienced multiple times the “one more wave” phenomenon, wherein I decided to end my surfing session for the day, but stayed out for as much as 45 minutes longer because I was searching for the next “great wave”. In psychological terms, this could be conceptualized as variable-interval reinforcement within Skinner’s ‘Schedules of Reinforcement’ within the larger construct of operant conditioning. In this schedule of reinforcement, participants are uninformed as to when reward will be received; like gambling, one waits in a constant state of anticipation for positive reinforcement. In both surfing and other activities, anticipation, subsequent arousal, and eventual reward catalyze the creation of addiction and reinforce established addiction. Additionally, feeling capable, strong, and like you are “riding the energy of the wave” are all also positive behavioral reinforcements. The pleasure of spontaneity, a can-do autonomy, and control over behavior (perhaps magnified by the opposing nature of the out-of-control ocean) also reinforce motivation to surf (Ford 2006).

Social reinforcement and motivation also exist. Being part of the surf community can be highly socially satisfying and consequently promote increased surf behaviors. The embodied nature of surfing greatly heightens this group dynamic of ‘us’ versus ‘them’. As one surfer said, “you have to experience it [surfing] to understand it”. This group dynamic also allows members to sustain a feeling of “antipathy towards bureaucracy and formal organizations” (Ford 2006). The ability to drop out, live in the present (similar fundamentally, I believe, to the flow experience of embodiment), and choose “freedom” are also motivational for surfers (Ford 2006). One can “escape, relocate, and travel” in the name of surfing (Comer 2010). Ethnographically speaking, the character of Kahuna in Gidget exemplifies the life of a surfer bum who “drops out” of society to pursue surfing and “live the dream”.  Similarly, the surf community, through the creation and sustainment of community, social reinforcements, enculturation practices, and multi-media sources of information dissemination, are able to create their own world with unique standards of etiquette (line-up etiquette), skill appraisal, and conceptions of space. This unique space suited to the desires, needs, and preferences of surfers motivates surfers to continue surf behaviors and perpetuate surf society. In other words, a positive feedback loop exists such that the more surf culture grows, the more it reinforces its own growth.

The ocean environment also seems to be motivational for many surfers. Surfing and Social Theory posits that the centrality of a personal relationship with the ocean is fundamental to the sport. Interesting, this hypothesis presents ethnographically. One surfer stated that, “[while surfing] it’s just you and the waves”. Others remarked that the “environment is great” and that “respect for the ocean” is crucial. The serenity of the line-up, the humbling experience of being among dangerous wildlife, and the feeling of incredible smallness that occurs when floating in the ocean make me believe wholeheartedly that the powerful, aquatic environment is in itself reinforcing because of its uniqueness and extremity. In few other places, as one surfer remarked, is the environment constantly changing. Drowning, shark attacks, and other serious injuries also occur amongst the waves. These risks likely heighten the arousal state and make the feeling of success, or “dominating a wave”, more deeply fulfilling. So it does indeed seem that certain individuals may surf because of risks inherent to surfing, and not in spite of them. This postulate is supported by the seemingly large number of surfers who also take part in other extreme sports like skateboarding, snowboarding, or jumping motorbikes.

Ethnographic study illuminates explicitly describable motivation for certain surfers. I received a variety of responses when asking why individuals surf. There were common themes, however. Surfing was referred to by several participants as a “focus point” or “100% focus, like meditation; a zen moment”. This intensity of focus, I believe, corresponds to the core flow experience of surfing, the peak of the embodiment phase, wherein decisions are made unconsciously and incredibly quickly. I believe this could catalyze another theme I witnessed: the experience of “leaving” your problems in the water. I was told: “if you have problems, you forget them in the water”, surfing is an “escape”, surfing “gives you a fresh start”, “you go into the water with a full chalkboard…it [surfing] clears your chalkboard”.  Butts also remarked that surfing “clears the mind and cleanses the spirit.” Similarly, surfing and the relationship with the ocean is seen as fundamentally religious by some. “Mother Ocean” was referenced by one interviewee, and merchandise stating “surfing is my religion” can be seen in surf communities like Guanacaste. Additionally, certain surfers reserve specific rituals for new surf boards or pre-ride physical preparations.

Among other things, surfing can “teach you discipline”, keep you “physically fit”, and sustain a “life philosophy”. One surfer, when asked what surfing does for him, remarked emphatically “What doesn’t it do for me?” and began to list a wide range of benefits and ideologies that surfing supplies him. Surfing, for many, is fulfilling, addictive, motivating, and enjoyable. Surfers often surf for life, and mindfully construct their lives in order to most effectively fulfill their “fix”. In closing, many people reflected that surfing simply feels good. Gidget herself expressed elatedly and repeatedly that surfing is “the ultimate!”

Future research on surfing could begin to illuminate answers to significant questions regarding narratability of flow states, obsessive or risk-taking behavior among surfers, and (if they are present) individual differences between people who get hooked on surfing and those who do not. It would be beneficial for addiction studies in general, I believe, to understand what factors influence the development of individual addiction. No amount of research will answer completely or satisfactorily what surfing means to every surfer; too much emotional and experiential variation undoubtedly exists. However, beginning to understand the motivations, experiences, perceptions, addictions, lifestyle choices, and health benefits of surfers will be both generative and beneficial for a variety of multifaceted disciplines. I am glad I had to opportunity to experience surfing, and to begin what I hope will be a journey into the inner workings of surfing. Right now, above all else, I would really like to go catch a wave.

  

Works Cited

Butts, Steven.  ND.  “Good to the last drop: Understanding surfer’s motivations.”  Sociology of Sport Online 4(1):

Comer, K.  2010.  “Californians in Diaspora: The making of a local/global subculture.”  Chap. 1, Surfer Girls in the New World Order.  Durham: Duke University Press.

Ford, N. & D. Brown.  “Surfing as subculture and lifestyle.” 2006.  Chap. 4, Surfing and Social Theory: Experience, Embodiment and Narrative of the Dream Glide. London: Routledge.

Henderson, M.  2001.  “A shifting line up: Men, women, and Tracks surfing magazine.”  Continuum: Journal of Media & Cultural Studies 15(3):319-332.

i might as well face it

“so what’d you do today, T?” 

my DC BFFs and i were standing in their kitchen, convening over a glass of wine to digest the day. i was in town visiting for the week and was at the height of my ‘live-life-to-the-fullest’ vacation philosophy. given past experiences, they didn’t know what to make of my sly smile.

“fell in love. what’d you do?” their eyes rolled in unison.

“you didn’t fall in love, Tara, give me a break. you’ve hung out with this guy for like two hours.”

“so what, i’m still in love.” i had spent the Spring afternoon drinking happy hour Peronis on a posh patio in Dupont Circle with an old friend turned newfound love interest. charming, quick-quitted, just the right amount of shy to keep me interested. looking at him now, i regretted overlooking him in college; we’d be married with a two-year-old by now. it was a three-city romance and we were only in city number two. it’s Spring in DC and he’s a writer and he laughs at my jokes and one time he drove his mini-van all the way from Venice Beach to drop me off in the valley. of course i was in love.

“you’re not in love, T. you’re just addicted to being in love.” 

zing: reality check. the kind only lifelong friends can provide. i glared at her above my long-stemmed glass, wishing she was wrong. 

_______

super nintendo, ‘N Sync, surfing, spinning class, dark chocolate, impossible relationships, Hugo Chavez and the Bolivarian Revolution, traveling, playing clarinet, Spanish, booze and partying, yoga, writing, Stairmaster, jumping off tall things into water, tanning, live music, Marxism, romantic conquest, food in general, the death of capitalism, indigenous spirituality, surf trips, facebook, detoxing, rebelling against authority, and now apparently, being in love. and i’m sure friends and family could remind me of a few more i’m forgetting.  

“you have what’s called an addictive personality.” while i was hesitant to accept his label, the free psychologist i saw twice made the obvious observation i had refused to acknowledge in myself. i had always wanted to see it as more of a blessing than a curse, a valiant sense of drive toward accomplishment and passion for the things and people i loved most in my life (interestingly, they say that great leaders exhibit the very same character traits found in people with addictive personalities; our biggest weaknesses are also our greatest strengths).  i still have trouble admitting it’s even a problem, and i imagine addicts with substance-abuse problems, in AA and rehab and stuff, they’d probably look at my issues and laugh in my face.

in my case, my supposed addictive personality has never been cause for serious concern, since luckily my addictions have thus far been (mostly) positive as opposed to life-threatening or drug-related. rather than being addicted to substances or self-inflicted physical pain or any one thing in particular like some drug addicts or alcoholics, people with addictive personalities have a range of things to choose from to get their fix, finding solace in a different activity, behavior or gluttonous practice of consumption beyond that which is considered normal on any given day, or in any given hour for that matter. this makes addiction to certain things difficult to recognize in oneself, easy to hide from others, and even easier to perpetuate indefinitely. it also makes your addictions harder to overcome, since there are so many of them and it’s less about the thing you’re addicted to than about the way you’re wired as a person: your personality is the problem. with  a ‘predisposition to addiction’ built into the very essence of your being as the defining characteristic of addictive personalities, the world is your oyster, and everything in it that attracts you or peaks your interest becomes fodder for addiction. it is said that one thing separating addiction from just loving something a whole lot or pursuing as a hobby that which brings you pleasure, is that people with addiction problems spend excessive time and energy on a certain activity, behavior, object or relationship because they feel like they have to, not because they like to. It’s not an “I want to…” or “I love to…” it’s an “I need to, I have to, I must…” and it’s always ‘right now this very instant’.

lucky for me, my main addictions are for the most part self-balancing, allowing me to disguise them as activities that bring me joy and keep me healthy and sociable, making me appear driven and passionate toward meaningful goals and allowing me to fit in as normal in most social situations. for example, balancing my compulsive overeating addiction with my exercise and surfing addictions keeps me fit, and if for some reason i get out of balance and gain a few pounds when i don’t find the time to burn enough calories running to make up for a serious stint of binge-eating, i get to re-balance by simply turning to my detox addiction, getting back on track with a colon cleanse or juice fast people admire as an example of living a healthy lifestyle. tell that to the three chocolate bar wrappers hiding in the trash can.   

“can you think of a few things you might have been addicted to in the past?” while i fired him shortly after asking it (something a little too creepy about your shrink’s constant mention that he loves your name because his dead wife loves (note: present tense) Gone with the Wind, especially when he points to her picture staring at you from the coffee table), this question inspired the list i created above, and has allowed me to get in touch with deeper psycho-emotional realities i could have otherwise continued masking under the guise of living my life’s passions. and i think some of these new realizations extend past the realm of addictive personalities into the spheres of our shared experiences as social and socialized beings, which is why i’m taking the time to write this.

my answer to his question in the moment, though, came to mind quickly and simply: “i’ve been addicted to everything and everyone i’ve ever loved.”

____

after studying ‘my condition’ in the resources i could find in a simple google search, i found the information interesting and revealing, not just because i could relate to the associated character traits and behavior patterns, but also because i could see how my addictive personality may have less to do with me as an individual possessing an innate character flaw, and more to do with my subjection to and socialization within the society of which i am a part. it’s not necessarily me as an entity in and of myself, but rather the combined result of me + me subjecting myself to the sociocultural norms of my society, which have contributed to the creation of my personality as both a social actor and social subject. i knew i had work to do on myself, but i felt somehow relieved to know that it might not just be me or others like me with addictive personalities, but rather that many of us suffering in modernity or consumer culture or whatever we want to call the experience of life we share today, may very well be experiencing similar problems as a result of our socialized and subjectified selves. the following is an exploration of this idea, connecting the addictive personality with other manifestations of our lives as social subjects in the pursuit of happiness.

addictive personalities, from where i’m sitting

for those of us with addictive personalities, we have the privilege of bouncing from one addiction to the next or being addicted to many things at once instead of relying on one substance or activity to keep us high, like some addicts who don’t necessarily fit the addictive personality prototype. here’s an example from my own life to give this some context: i walk to the beach with my board to get my daily surf fix, only to find the waves are flat. panic sets in so i go on a run instead to get that runner’s high feeling, then i meet friends for dinner to celebrate life with a feast, a few glasses of wine and four ‘shared’ desserts (of which i scarf down the most and any possible leftovers), then i feel guilty, fat and ugly for eating so much so i go out and buy a pretty new dress, giving me a shopper’s high (followed by ensuing consumption guilt), yet still making me feel good about myself physically because damn, i look good in my new dress, giving me the emotional strength to write a heart-wrenching email to my long-distance non-boyfriend who has just attempted to end our codependent relationship for the seventh time in four years; wiping the tears and swiping on a fresh coat of mascara, i go out and party to welcome my rebound phase in style, having the time of my life drunkenly flirting with men who make me feel like ‘i’ve still got it’ in slurring speech and stinking breath, getting home late and passing out in my clothes, waking up horrendously hungover until i can paddle out for a few waves to get my head straight again, followed by a heaping breakfast for three consumed by one, at which point i begin re-evaluating my life (what am i doing?! this isn’t me. i don’t need this party lifestyle with strangers to make me feel 'good enough'. i’m going to get over getting dumped by being true to ME for a change!) and i make new promises to self: from now on i’m consuming no carbs, no sugar, no dairy, no caffeine and no alcohol – FOREVER! rinse and repeat to infinity.

for an addictive personality, there’s always a new high to avoid the low, and the longer you’ve been at it, the better you get at perfecting your own personalized bag of tricks, drowning yourself in one addiction to get over the pain of the loss or ending of another. it becomes predictably cyclical really, and it means that living in extremes is your only option, because moderation in any of the things you are addicted to is by the very definition of addiction, impossible, no matter how many times you’ve convinced yourself otherwise. so you’re either eating only chocolate cake or none at all, you’re partying your face off or staying home with a strict 10pm bedtime, you’re surfing every day twice a day or not at all, you’re marrying your non-boyfriend or never speaking to him again. no in-betweens, no maybe just a little bit; you’re all or nothing at any given time whether you like it or not. because that’s just how you are, whether you like it or not.

experts and pyschologists say it’s because we with addictive personalities have low self-esteem, are prone to anxiety and depression, seek to avoid pain at all costs, cannot delay gratification, are uncomfortable in social situations, feel that we’re ‘not good enough’, believe that we do not fit within societal norms, and are unable to handle stress, and as a result, we end up chasing experiences or indulging in behaviors that give us an escape from those issues, allowing us to experience a sense of joy or high by using our addictions to avoid feeling low. thus, as soon as the enjoyment of one addiction wears off, or if we are for some reason deprived of it, we swiftly switch over to another addiction promising a similar sense of enjoyment. however, when we use our addictions as a coping mechanism in this way (which is of course what we do), the joke’s on us, since our addictions do not actually soothe us in any sustainable way; rather, they perpetuate deeper and deeper addiction by providing only momentary relief from feelings of anxiety, frustration or discomfort, making us feel like we need to feed our addiction more and more in the hope that if we do it enough, we will be able to feel that sense of relief and enjoyment permanently and escape our problems once and for all. Unfortunately, this is not how it works, so at the end of the day we are still left with our feelings and insecurities, and all of our addictions to boot. Speaking as a clinically diagnosed addictive personality, i resonate with these descriptions and there isn’t a single one i would deny in myself.

i can’t help but wonder, though, are these ‘personality traits’ so exclusive to us addictive personality anomalies or are they more common than we think? i imagine if you’re still reading this, a lot of it might be resonating with you, too. and that’s the part that grabs me, that in one way or another, we all might resonate with the identifying factors commonly associated with addictive personalities. and i think the aspects that we most identify with are telling of our experiences as socialized subjects of modern society and the norms of our inescapable consumer culture: 1) seeking escape from the confines of our increasingly homogenous yet overwhelmingly stressful reality; and 2) the desire-driven fantasy of achieving lasting satisfaction through the pursuit of the things or activities that, by their very nature, bring us only fleeting moments of joy and happiness -- a fantasy created and perpetuated by consumer culture’s promise of satisfaction by way of material accumulation, consumption and living the (increasingly unattainable) American Dream.

consumer culture, at the heart of capitalism, persists in tricky ways, despite a growing recognition that owning more stuff or even collecting countless exciting experiences is not what contributes to lasting happiness or overall wellbeing. psycho-analytic interpretations offer a useful explanation for relentless consumption, interestingly quite similar to the behavioral processes experienced by us addictive personalities. The overwhelming staying power of capitalism in general, and consumer culture in particular, rests on its ability to produce in its subjects a useful cycle of desire and fantasy based on the Lacanian pursuit of jouissance, a state of fleeting excitement or a momentary sense of fulfillment which ‘promises a satisfaction it can never deliver’. As consumers, we get a glimpse of this jouissance by way of our ‘material or affective’ practices of consumption – feeling that twinge of joy by purchasing or indulging in something that makes us believe we will eventually feel permanently satisfied once we consume enough of the thing or experience that provides that sense of fleeting joy; if only we might ‘get enough’ of that which will never give us the satisfaction we believe it will, we create the illusion in our minds that we will eventually get to a point of true satisfaction. sadly, as in the case of addiction, this is a game we will never win, and as the psycho-emotional effects of consumerism demonstrate, we may very well exhaust all consumptive and/or addictive avenues seeking to attain a neverending jouissance, which, by its very definition, is an impossible fantasy. the ensuing low is then even more unbearable, prompting us to perhaps try a new consumptive approach or seek to escape our hopeless predicament through other avenues and experiences, maybe through mind-altering drugs, travel abroad, or going for a surf.

Zizek’s comments on the subject date to 1989 in the book The Sublime Object of Ideology, where he wrote the following regarding the relationship between jouissance and consumer behavior (as cited in Rob Fletcher’s 2013 article in Human Geography, titled “Bodies do Matter: The Peculiar Persistence of Neoliberalism in Environmental Governace):

an opportunity for further accumulation is created as [consumers] seek to re-experience the desired emotional stimulation in search of an illusory satisfaction. As the object of this process is an ephemeral affective state that passes quickly with little residual impact on the body, the accumulation process can be virtually infinite, facilitating continual capitalization without readily discernable limit or consequence…. compelling increased consumption of the products and services through which jouissance is pursued.

this perpetual yearning for an impossible satisfaction fits nicely in the capitalist framework whereby we, as an entire global society, will continue over-consuming, out of feelings of angst and emptiness, all that is being over-produced, therefore fulfilling our role as consumers propelling economic growth through accumulation, the very core of the global economic system.

when we think about it this way, are we not all on the same hamster-wheel, perpetually seeking an unattainable yet promised satisfaction by way of consumption, ill-fated addictive personality or no? might it be, then, that the addictive personality is not such an anomaly after all? could the addictive personality, in fact, be the personality prototype of modern life in capitalist society?

as capitalist subjects coming to terms with the depressing nature of our fantasy-driven pursuits, we’ve been seeking ways and means to overcome consumer culture’s grasp on our lives and begin transforming our systems toward non-capitalist alternatives. but how do we surmount the contradiction in terms that is our own subjection within a system we aim to invalidate and abandon? how do i transform my addictive personality, which is reliant upon the unattainable promises of consumer culture, to accommodate a post-capitalist reality? society has grown rife with anti-capitalist sentiment, yet capitalism persists; our self-subjection to capitalism keeps us trapped – trapped in ourselves through addiction and consumption, and trapped in our ensuing self-enslavement to the economic and sociocultural dynamics of the capitalist system, alternatives to which we are still unable to imagine as the capitalist subjects we are today.  

J.K. Gibson-Graham, in their book A Postcapitalist Politics, refer to the ‘pain and possibility’ in unraveling our self-subjection to capitalism, a preliminary step wrought with perturbing existential challenges vital to envisioning other economic and social realities. this is the same psycho-emotive scenario experienced  by addictive personalities coming to terms with the need to change self and transform personality in order to overcome addiction; indeed, no easy task. it’s painful to try and change ourselves from a reality we’ve always known, yet if we wish to experience a post-addiction and/or post-capitalist world, waking up to our own self-subjection within capitalism’s requisite consumer culture is a difficult, yet necessary first step. for addictive personalities, this unraveling stage begins by convincing ourselves of the harsh reality that our addictions, no matter how much we feed them, are never going to provide us with the lasting satisfaction we think they will. from there, it’s a matter of overcoming deep-seated insecurities at the heart of our actions and transforming psycho-social behavior patterns we’ve relied on as coping mechanisms for as long as we can remember. for the rest of us living in modernity, the unraveling stage is quite similar and has already begun, based on a waking-up through recognition; that is, recognizing that neither material nor affective/experiential consumption makes us happy over the long-term, because its promise of a satisfaction or jouissance it can never deliver leaves us wanting more in perpetuity; the more we consume, the greater the lack we feel. from there, beginning to reconstitute ourselves in previously unimagined ways, we explore the possibilities of our unraveling, a coming-into-being of post-capitalist actors and subjects in a concomitantly emerging post-capitalist reality: becoming ‘other’ so that ‘other’ social and economic realities may finally come to fruition.  

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i find this entire reflection at once fascinating and humbling as i think about what it means in my own life, in how i’ll even begin to transform my addictive personality into something i cannot yet fathom. ironically, i’ve embarked upon an academic career devoted to killing capitalism (one of my many addictions, as it were), yet it’s only now that i’m coming to realize that i must also kill capitalism in myself by overcoming my addictive personality. the irony there is my pain and my possibility: the unraveling of my self-subjection to capitalism will hurt, and i will, as a result, have increasingly fewer addictions at my disposal to pick me back up again, yet i find solace in hoping that in unraveling i will create a space for my as yet unimaginable post-capitalist self to emerge as part and parcel of the simultaneously emerging post-capitalist society. 

and in that hope i dare to believe that the unfathomable is indeed possible.